Today was the last day the Japanese exchange students would be in America, so starting last night we had a sleepover farewell party. Even though I didn't host a student, it really was just a great experience hanging out with everybody, enough so that by the time it was 7~ am in the morning and time for me to go, I was obviously extremely tired but more importantly a little sad.
What I learned was that I am horrible with goodbyes. I really wanted to say goodbye to everyone, maybe take a picture, give them a hug, but I didn't. Because I didn't have the courage to do it. Especially one girl who I talked to more than often over the 2-3 weeks the Japanese kids were here, I didn't even get to say a real goodbye to her.
...and stupidly, after failing the first time, I drove around a bit. thought. and went back in the house, only to fail to say goodbye again and make anything meaningful of it. I'll never see them again in my life most likely, and my last goodbye was a sorry one. It's something I may regret for the rest of my life.
Which brings me to graduation. People I've known for 1-4 years, if 2-3 weeks made me slightly sad. what will years make me? I don't want to wimp out again and let that final goodbye be a failure. I don't want it to just be another passing moment in life.
I want the courage to say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and inevitably part in peace with no regrets. I have failed this time around with the Japanese students, and nothing I can now can change that fact. I just hope that I can learn from my mistakes and have the courage to do the right thing at graduation, and I hope that all of you reading this will in suit accomplish what you set out to accomplish.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Childhood
I've been thinking about my childhood and the past today. Maybe its because I'm finally ending my violin lessons, which I've had since the 3rd grade, or maybe because I finally played some real fun chess, which I haven't done since my days of summer chess camp... or Maybe its those Pokemon cards - heh it's probably those Pokemon cards... haven't done that seriously since ages ago.
Anyways, I've always considered my childhood deprived, a lack of friends, lack of excitement, lack of activity. I spent my days learning, playing games by myself, and of course a lot of Pokemon.
BUT what if all that lack of childhood was actually a preparation for my life in the future. I know to a fair degree of certainty that if I had not done all those random things I did...like learn trig in 4th grade, or play lots of music and games, that somehow I wouldn't be at TJ doing interesting things and enjoying life with friends.
Maybe I didn't have an interesting childhood so that I could have one now, in the final semester of high school and in college. Maybe this is why I love more than anything to act like a kid...its a feeling I've never had.
The problem is sometimes my exterior just tells me I can't be foolish, can't be frolicking around with no care of the world, can't be that kid inside.
So I'm thankful for all of you who can bring that side of me out, and really make me happy.
So to end, I'll quote a friend: Maturity is understanding the balance between when and when not to be a kid.
...or something like that. I realize my posts are a bit long winded and repetitive. sorry bout that I'll work on it
Anyways, I've always considered my childhood deprived, a lack of friends, lack of excitement, lack of activity. I spent my days learning, playing games by myself, and of course a lot of Pokemon.
BUT what if all that lack of childhood was actually a preparation for my life in the future. I know to a fair degree of certainty that if I had not done all those random things I did...like learn trig in 4th grade, or play lots of music and games, that somehow I wouldn't be at TJ doing interesting things and enjoying life with friends.
Maybe I didn't have an interesting childhood so that I could have one now, in the final semester of high school and in college. Maybe this is why I love more than anything to act like a kid...its a feeling I've never had.
The problem is sometimes my exterior just tells me I can't be foolish, can't be frolicking around with no care of the world, can't be that kid inside.
So I'm thankful for all of you who can bring that side of me out, and really make me happy.
So to end, I'll quote a friend: Maturity is understanding the balance between when and when not to be a kid.
...or something like that. I realize my posts are a bit long winded and repetitive. sorry bout that I'll work on it
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Is it worth it?
After much thought and re-thought... the answer is no.
Learning competition math for the sake of going to ARML is not worth it.
Regardless of how difficult or not difficult tonight's practice was, that was the last straw.
It's simply not practical for me to be doing so much of something I'm not particularly interested in, and incurring much stress in the process, for the sake of a 2-3 day trip.
This is not to be confused with the hours before ARML. Those are precious times which I can spend with friends and that I refuse to give up. When all of you go on the ARML trip that Friday morning, I'll simply stay behind and tell myself, "I made this decision and I have no one to blame but myself."
Learning competition math for the sake of going to ARML is not worth it.
Regardless of how difficult or not difficult tonight's practice was, that was the last straw.
It's simply not practical for me to be doing so much of something I'm not particularly interested in, and incurring much stress in the process, for the sake of a 2-3 day trip.
This is not to be confused with the hours before ARML. Those are precious times which I can spend with friends and that I refuse to give up. When all of you go on the ARML trip that Friday morning, I'll simply stay behind and tell myself, "I made this decision and I have no one to blame but myself."
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